There are no planets in retrograde!

Planetary Retrograde Horoscope - Dave Lister Style

Greetings, space cadets and astrology nerds! Gather 'round the AstroSofa and let's talk about this cosmic ballet of planetary retrogrades. Don't worry, I'll keep it as hilarious as a Kryten malfunction! #DaveListerHoroscope

First off, we've got Mercury chillin' in Taurus, making communication about as smooth as Rimmer's attempt at being cool. Be prepared for some stubborn conversations and a few facepalms. #MercuryInTaurus

Venus is playing the twin game in Gemini, so expect relationships to feel like a wild ride on Starbug - thrilling but slightly nauseating. If your love life feels like a cheesy sci-fi flick, you know who to blame. #VenusInGemini

Mars in Cancer is like Cat trying to wear a sweater - uncomfortable and a bit crabby. Keep your temper in check or you might end up scrapping with an astro-chicken. #MarsInCancer

Jupiter's hanging out in Aries, so if you find yourself feeling extra adventurous, blame that big gaseous giant. Embrace your inner Lister and go for that curry you've been dreaming of! #JupiterInAries

Saturn's taking a dip in Pisces, so expect your sense of responsibility to feel as hazy as a GELF fog. Don't worry, though - it's temporary, just like Rimmer's self-esteem boosts. #SaturnInPisces

Uranus is joining Mercury in Taurus, which means unexpected changes are about as welcome as a rogue simulant. Hold onto your hats and your Hollys, and let's hope it doesn't mess with the vending machines. #UranusInTaurus

Neptune's also splashing in Pisces, making your dreams weirder than a polymorph-induced hallucination. Keep a

The moon is currently in Aquarius, at 19 degrees, 51' 33", at a velocity of 14.36 degrees per day.

The Waning Crescent moon is currently 24.2 days old. It is 363528.52 km from the centre of the Earth.

The next new moon is at 4:15:48, 20 Apr 2023. The next full moon is at 17:36:47, 5 May 2023.

Solar wind conditions were slightly enhanced due to positive polarity CH HSS influences. Total field strength varied between 4-8 nT and the Bz component intermittently reached -5 nT. Solar wind speeds ranged between 330-410 km/s and the phi angle was predominately positive.

There is a 35% chance of solar activity, with a 25% chance of a minor event, a 5% chance of a moderate event, and a 1% chance of a strong event.