There are no planets in retrograde!

Your Nerd-tastic, Hilarious, All-Planets-Included Horoscope

"In the immortal words of our beloved Londo Mollari from Babylon 5 - 'Only an idiot would fight a war on two fronts. Only the heir to the throne of the kingdom of idiots would fight a war on twelve fronts!'"

Well, ladies, gents, and non-binary friends, it seems we're all heirs to this cosmic kingdom of idiocy because we've got planets throwing retrograde shade from all corners of the zodiac!

First up, Mercury is in Aries, and boy, is he feeling feisty! Expect messages to be as subtle as a brick through your window. But remember, my science-loving comrades, communication blunders can lead to hilarious outcomes. Who knows? Your autocorrect fail could inspire the next viral meme. #MercurialMishaps

Venus is currently chilling out in Pisces, bringing some much-needed empathy and compassion to our love lives. So don't be surprised if you find yourself writing poetry for your houseplants or serenading your coffee machine. #VenusInTheHouse

Meanwhile, Mars is partying in Aquarius, so expect your passions to take on a revolutionary flair. One minute you're peacefully knitting, the next you're leading a march for the rights of endangered woolly mammoths. Stay weird, folks. #MarsMadness

Jupiter, our large and in charge planet, is strutting its stuff in Taurus. This means an abundance of...well...everything! Overindulgence may become your middle name. Just remember: too much of a good thing can lead to an expanding waistline or an empty bank account. #JupiterJubilation

Saturn in Pisces is sounding the alarm bells for us to get our sh*t together. But remember, balance is key, and even though Saturn may feel like that nagging parent, it's just because it loves you...in its own tough love kinda way. #SaturnSeriousness

Uranus in Taurus is shaking things up in the realm of the material world. Expect the unexpected. Lost your keys

The moon is currently in Aries, at 18 degrees, 38' 38", at a velocity of 14.9 degrees per day.

The Waxing Crescent moon is currently 2.2 days old. It is 365810.77 km from the centre of the Earth.

The next new moon is at 18:23:21, 8 Apr 2024. The next full moon is at 23:51:09, 23 Apr 2024.

Solar wind parameters reflected diminishing influence from a negative polarity CH HSS. Total magnetic field strength was at or below 5 nT, Bz turned predominantly north, and solar wind speeds averaged around 425 km/s. Phi angle was in a mostly negative orientation until approximately 11/1110 UTC when it switched to a positive orientation through the remainder of the period.

There is a 10% chance of solar activity, with a 1% chance of a minor event, a 1% chance of a moderate event, and a 1% chance of a strong event.